FINDING YOURSELF.

Understanding yourself and relating to others.

"He who knows others is wise ; he who knows himself is enlightened." - Tao Tzu

Do you sometimes wonder who you really are? 
Do you feel that you are constantly adapting yourself to suit the needs of others? 
Do you have multiple, conflicting roles in life that leave you feeling confused or compromised?
Do you feel that you are not relating to others as effectively as you would like?
We live in a complicated world that seems to expect us to be lots of different things all at the same time. Very rarely are we called on just to be ourselves - yet strangely when we see that in others we applaud it and call it things like "individuality", "Charisma" and inspiring leadership".
So why is it that true individuality in others seems inspiring and yet individuality for ourselves can seem impossible - or at least impractical? And if we do "find ourselves", how do we then relate to others in new ways?
"Know thyself" - Socrates
It is said that in ancient Greece the phase "know thyself" was inscribed in the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi. The ancient Greek philosophers realized that knowing yourself was an essential pre-requisite for all wisdom. Socrates focused upon knowing himself because there is a little point in knowing about external things if you do not understand yourself first.
Of course in childhood the main emphasis was put on knowing things and accumulating knowledge about the world in order to pass exams and get good grades. Knowing and understanding yourself is not a subject that gets examined and may not feature heavily, if at all, whist growing up. It is left to chance later in life, if needed it is ever actively on the agenda.
As adults we do not need to leave it to chance and can take responsibility for understanding ourselves at any point. We are able to take what we have learnt from others, reflect on our life experiences and discover for ourselves who and what we are.
Not knowing yourself has broad implications for how you live your life and relate to others. A fuller version of the quote expands the point:
"My friend...care for your psyche...know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves".
If you do not know and understand yourself you will not be able to take care of yourself ; without being in touch with yourself, you will not be able to truly get in touch with others; without understanding yourself, you will not be in a position to understand and relate to others effectively.
A true relationship with yourself is necessary for a true relationship with others. If you can blow away the fog of confusion that gets in the way of you seeing yourself as you really are, you will be able to see others emerging from the mist more clearly too.
Socrates says that the main priority of life is to find yourself - and, if you choose, you can blow away the fog of confusion that gets in the way of you seeing yourself as you really are, you will be able to see others emerging from the mist more clearly too.
Socrates says that the main priority of life is to find yourself - and, if you choose, you can become the world's experts on yourself. This is the path of personal growth and development and ultimately no-one can have a better understanding of yourself than you.
What motivates us? 
Different things motivate different people.
 Nature vs Nurture. 
It is perhaps worth exploring here the perennial question about what shapes us individuals - is it our nature that we are born with that dominates our future path, or is it nurture - the way that we are brought up and the influences on and around us during that time? Of course the truth is that it is blend of both.
A natural talent and creative flair of music, if not developed, does not automatically lead to a musical genius like Mozart. He is regarded as a child prodigy, a naturally gifted musician at an astonishingly young age, so it is reasonable to assume it was in his nature somehow. The reality is though that he lived and breathed music under the immense pressure from his father and wrote very many pieces of music so that by the time some of it was pretty good he was still young. From the outside it looks as though he is a genius, if you saw the reality you may conclude it was sheer hard work and dedication.
What is true though, is that without the "encouragement" (or pressure) from his father he would not have accomplished the things that he did.
The desire for acceptance. 
As we have already seen, the main thing that motivates the vast majority, if not all of us, is to be loved and accepted and to know that we are good enough.
This desire for acceptance creates in us a sort of rule-book of beliefs and values, a sense of right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. they could be helpful beliefs and values, a sense of right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. They could be helpful beliefs or unhelpful beliefs, true or false.
They have been inherited from parents, family, friends, colleagues and society at large. Indeed much of it is neither deliberately, or even consciously taught to us, but is received by osmosis. Long held beliefs and 'common sense' approaches are are talked about in an unquestioned way and adopted as fact by the individual growing up.
Even as adults we are bombarded with messages and our desire to be individual conflicts with our desire to be accepted. Usually the desire for acceptance wins. The simple reason for this is that the only way that society can operate, i.e. with lots of individuals living together in peace, is if everyone plays to a set of rules. This means sacrificing some individuality in order to gain the security that comes with living together in community.